It’s a new garden, the lawn is in reasonable nick and there are no flowers or plants yet because we’ve just moved in.\u00a0 It’s no golf course fairway but it’ll do.\u00a0 My back is turned, I go to make a cup of tea or something, come back and some cat or other has deposited a particularly filthy shit slap bang in the middle of my grass.\u00a0 Fucking thing.\u00a0 The sparse green broken by the mucky brown of a cat’s ablution.\u00a0 I despair I really do.\u00a0 This is going to be the start of something I can feel it, I can smell it.<\/p>\n
It’s now been over a year, this house is great.\u00a0 There are now borders dug, plants planted and the lawn is as average as ever.\u00a0 The cat is still smothering it’s faeces around my greenery like a small, hairy tramp with a particularly fithy bowel condition.\u00a0 The little spiteful fuck.<\/p>\n
There are hundreds of ways to stop the feline wanker doing this apparently.\u00a0 Everyone has a solution – “Lemon peel all over the grass, that works!\u00a0 Cat’s don’t like lemons!” is one I’ve heard, “Orange peel all over your lawn, that works.\u00a0 Cat’s don’t like orange peel!” is another.\u00a0 “Fill an empty cola bottle full of water and put it on the lawn, it reflects the sun (or something), the cat’s don’t like that!”\u00a0 Another suggestion I’d heard on at least 3 seperate occasions.\u00a0 “Buy some lion shit and hang it in your garden”.\u00a0 Okay.\u00a0 “Get a dog!”\u00a0 That one I like, but isn’t really faesible.\u00a0 My favourite was “get yourself a cat! cat’s don’t like other cat’s!”.\u00a0 Fuck off.\u00a0 Other cat’s don’t like other cat’s, I don’t like cat’s.\u00a0 This person clearly does not get the irony of buying a cat to stop a cat appearing in your garden.\u00a0 Let’s double up the local cat population shall we?\u00a0 That should decrease the shit quota.<\/p>\n
The only solution I can think of for ridding the community of this smug, four legged, cunt is to set up a small mammal trap, bait it with something that cat’s like (mice? tweety pie? cake?)\u00a0 When the arsewipe has been caught, grab it by it’s neck and extract it from said trap, place it in a bin bag full of particularly weighty aggregate, drive to the banks of the Irwell and hoy the obnoxious crap factory from the car window whilst laughing maniacally screaming “I WIN YOU MUTHA-FUCKA!” at the splash in the steadily flowing river.<\/p>\n
At the moment, there are 2 deposits on my lawn.\u00a0 They are of the same shade of brown as they always are.\u00a0 There is one cat that does this, it knows I don’t like it and it is a cat-bastard.\u00a0 May the lord strike it and it’s kind from the face of the earth to sanitise humanity from the most wretched of all the animal kingdoms species, the house cat.\u00a0 Felis catus<\/em>, I damn you to hell!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" It’s a new garden, the lawn is in reasonable nick and there are no flowers or plants yet because we’ve just moved in.\u00a0 It’s no golf course fairway but it’ll do.\u00a0 My back is turned, I go to make a … Continue reading