AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! A bomb!<\/p>\n
Not really, just trying to get your attention.\u00a0 It worked didn’t it?<\/p>\n
I used to work as a bag handler at terminal 17 in Manchester Airport.\u00a0 What a great life, carrying bags and stacking them tetris-like.\u00a0 Clearly my youth spent wanking away my time on a GameBoy wasn’t as useless as my aggressive ‘knuckle happy’ father led me to believe.<\/p>\n
The varying sizes and shapes, the multitude of colours and quality of the containers for travellers paraphenalia was remarkable, many fabricated from materials I didn’t even know existed and designed by chaps\/ladies with foreign sounding names!\u00a0 The crux of the job, and what we got paid for was lifting.\u00a0 Some of the cases you could lift by yourself, others you need your bulky colleague (‘Big Stan’ or ‘Chunky Alan’ on Wednesday-Saturdays Night shift) to give you a hand.\u00a0 Whatever happened, the stuff needed loading on the plane 1 hour before take off otherwise little Jimmy wouldn’t get his flip flops for the Corfu beach.<\/p>\n
Now the fun part was the ‘left luggage’, the stuff that people left behind.\u00a0 If it didn’t get claimed in 5 years, we’d get free dibs on what was remaining!\u00a0 We couldn’t keep the cases themselves, something to do with a piracy law dating back from the domesday era and connected with the King etc.\u00a0 I forget the facts.\u00a0 But we could keep the junk kept within.\u00a0 Anyway, the assortment of shit we’d get our filthy, thieving mits on was out of this world.\u00a0 Knickers, belts, shoes, dog leads, snow globes, shark fins, bush meat and pickled duck were all par for the course.\u00a0 Rocking horse shit, chickens lips and honest South Africans rarely turned up but were not unique.\u00a0 The most outrageous thing I came across (and subsequently sold on eBay for \u00a3433.91) was Morrissey from off of The Smiths, you know, that singer?\u00a0 I couldn’t quite believe my beady eyes when his coiffured bonce sprung forth from a mound of y-fronts, singing one of his more popular hits from that “Meat Is Murder” album.\u00a0 Whichever one it was, I’m sure I’d heard it somewhere.\u00a0 We kept him in a shoebox under the bed in the spare room, keeping him in as near as mint condition as we could.\u00a0 He was in surprisingly good nick for being shut in a bag for over 5 years with no food, water and light.<\/p>\n
The bidding went clinically on eBay and we got a few bob for him.\u00a0 He went to forlorncatcatcher9, somewhere in Sussex.\u00a0 I posted him 2nd class to save some reddies and I was over \u00a3400 better off!\u00a0 Lovely stuff.<\/p>\n
Anyway, I’d spent the money I procured from flogging the asexual Mancunian on a rug and the beginnings of a loft conversion in my Stockport pad.\u00a0 Kept me in the wife’s good books and let me get some much need work done on the house.\u00a0 Good times, and an anecdote I’ll never forget.\u00a0 It’s coming up to the next round of stealing next week, and I’ve got my fingers crossed I’ll stumble upon Max Clifford, so I can punish the cunt in the most unimaginable ways for the rest of his sorry, prolonged and painful life.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! A bomb! Not really, just trying to get your attention.\u00a0 It worked didn’t it? I used to work as a bag handler at terminal 17 in Manchester Airport.\u00a0 What a great life, carrying bags and stacking them tetris-like.\u00a0 Clearly … Continue reading