All the colours of the rainbow

DIY Chameleon you say?  I’ll show you how to make one:

You will need
1 Cat
1 Tiny Mallet
Paint in various colours
1 Pair of Secateurs
1 Tiny Spoon
Some Polyfilla
1 Pair of Clippers
A Shitload of Toilet Paper
An Industrial Stapler (and Staples)
4 Big Plasters
4 Fork heads
1 Lolly Pop Stick
1 Roll of Gaffer Tape
1 Sucker Dart
1 Party Blower
Some Smelling Salts


  1. Knock the cat out with the tiny mallet (be careful not to hit so hard as to cave it’s tiny skull in) then lay it on it’s side
  2. Cut the bottom of its legs of just below the knees using the secateurs.  Kiddywinks, you may want to get a grown up to help here as these could be very sharp!  Use the toilet paper to mop up the copious quantities of blood that will undoubtedly piss out of the leg wounds.
  3. Place the plasters over the leg wounds to aid scabbing over etc.
  4. Place the fork handles at right angles so they are poking out sideways, at the base of the legs (where you have just severed) and staple them on at the bottom.  Secure them with the gaffer tape and ensure they are on tight, your Chameleon will need these to help him climb the local foliage!
  5. Gouge the eyes out with the tiny spoon and fill in the holes with the Polyfilla, glue the eyeballs onto the filled in cavity and ensure they now have a full 180 degree field of vision
  6. Plug your clippers in and proceed to shave your half complete ‘Chameleon’ till he is as bald as Brian Glover’s bell end
  7. Now you need to make the prehensile tongue!  Take the lolly stick, gaffer tape along it the sucker dart and attach to the end of an outstretched party blower
  8. Open the cat’s mouth as wide as you can and jam the newly created ‘tongue’ to the actual tongue.  Ensure the blowy end of the blower is stuck down the cat’s throat.  Please ensure you tie this on tight with the string and ensure complete attachment by adding inordinate amounts of staples/glue and gaffer tape, or any other shit like that you can find.  This is important for your pseudo-lizard to be able to eat!  If it wakes up.
  9. Your chameleon is now finished, he just needs to look the part.  Paint him as you see fit with assorted colours to match the near background.  For example, if he will be living on grass, paint him green, if he will be living on a sunflower, paint him yellow!
  10. Take the smelling salts and waft them under the cats nose.  This should (probably won’t) wake him up.  He will then be free to roam the locality catching praying mantis’ with his newly acquired prehensile tongue and to climb among the local foliage with his side ways feet!

You can extend his wardrobe by knitting new, colourful outfits that he can change into whenever he wants to, ensuring complete camouflage whenever and wherever!

Enjoy x


This entry was posted in Poppycock, Roadkill. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *