The Japanese

Thirty five year ago to this day, God invented Japan. Thirty four years ago his actions inadvertently populated it with the people we now call The Japanese.

The Japanese were originally a group of underground dwelling primates very similar in stature to the Bonobo of the African Continent, but with an advanced brain and motor skills beyond that of a typical Homo Sapiens. Around this time (Approximately 1977-1978) it is generally believed that The God of the Earth took this tribe and blessed them with a lack of bodily hair and an improved posture. It is widely accepted that this general improvement in appearance gave the tribe the confidence to live outside the dark caves they had previously been living in towards the centre of the earth. After a hike of several miles from under the Earth’s crust, they emerged from Mount Fuji with dreams of setting up a new nation under the warmth of the Eastern sun.

This new tribe immediately began manufacturing reliable motor cars and sophisticated audio equipment, and by 1979 were a population of several million, based out of a large city carved in to giant mushrooms which they would call Tokyo, with one of the largest economies in the world.

The President of America (played by Morgan Freeman) immediately saw that this new civilisation of hyper-intelligent, super-dextrous hairless apes threatened his own vision of world order and immediately set about fabricating and revising known world history prior to about 1960 to paint the Japanese as an ethically defunct race of warmongers. This hurt the feelings of most Japanese to the extent that some commentators feel that they never really recovered emotionally from this cultural and civilsational peak of 1980-1982. Some eminent Eastern sociologists have linked these events to the fact that many children and young men of the time have now grown up to form debilitating schoolgirl-panty fetishes – which make them entirely unemployable.

One of the low points of Japanese history was on the night of October 14th 1989, when every single Japanese citizen dreamed exactly the same dream. This massive coincident subconscious thought was enough to summon a giant space tortoise from the stars to do battle with a huge nuclear lizard from the sea. The resulting firey breath and laser eyes led to most of the fungal mass of Tokyo being reduced to a fine white ash. In 1990 the city was rebuilt, with many buildings being constructed entirely out of neon light fittings.

Recent history has seen the Japanese bounce back culturally, as the lies told in the mid-80s by the President of the USA have begun to be unravelled around the world. However, there remain political tensions with nearby China after the Mayor of Guangzhou was made to look a complete tit on the special live summer showing of Takeshi’s Castle (a TV entertainment show).

JAPAN, Facts and Figures (Sept 2011):

Population: 1,200,075

Capital City: Tokyo (Population 1,180,250)

Major Exports: Automobiles, Audio Equipment, Happiness

Major Imports: Chess, Darkness, Time

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